if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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