You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
