The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
