So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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