i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
