My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
