It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
