I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
