Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
