In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
