Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
