watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
