just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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