When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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