I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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