Pants 0. Shit 1.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
