If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
