Pappa wants mamma naked
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
My day in three words: secret purse cake
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
