I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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