I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
