i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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