You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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