I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I'm always down for nudity.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
