You smell like a Billy Joel song
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I have grass duct taped all over my body
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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