i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
