how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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