We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
