I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
