i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I have tasted many bathrooms
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
