i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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