it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
