I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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