the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
