I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
