god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
