I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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