And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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