u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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