If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
