planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize