Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
be right there i have to get my cape
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
