hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
There was a lot of him and a little penis
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
