I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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