Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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