the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Randomize
