the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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