I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
