just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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