Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
