I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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