Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
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