i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
