you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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