At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize