Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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