so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
