the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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