The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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