six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
