Do you still have your period?
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
How naked do you want me to be?
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