I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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