I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
My breasts were aching with rage.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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