It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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